I failed to mention that i rescued a kitty like 3 weeks ago. well. i did. and i named him twix. and he is officially adorable as of today. roxy and i bought him some toys from target... boy did he love that catnip lol!!! i recorded like 6 minutes of him playing. it was sooooo adorable. awwww, maybe il post wen im not sleepy and lazy lol.

today was... pleasant.

roxy treated me for some olive garden. work wasnt so bad. went to target, got hit on by sum loser driving a handicapped metro van. .... that was weird. i was walking across the parking lot with roxy, and this guy honks. and after we cross, he stops n starts yelling at me to come to the van. at the time, roxy and i were thinkin he was this guy john we know. but, after i got closer, he wasnt. he said. "come here, i just wanna talk to you" ... with this lame ass smile on his face. i felt so trashy. so i turned around, walked back to roxy, and grabbed her hand lol...

aniway, i gotta be at woth at 6:30 am, so, im stopping here. gn <3

ive been missing from my xanga for quite a while. and to say its been a good xanga vacation would be a lie. i dont even know where to start. but i feel like this is the only place i can really go to and talk about my problems w/o being judged. i used to be happy... gosh, i used to be so happy. and everything made sense. i had friends, i had good trust with my family, my relationships were crazy, but i still appreciated them. school was school, work was work, and i was just happy. why did it have to change? why now? i let go of all my friends. i saw one of my closest friends from high school for the first time in 3 years 2 weeks ago. thats horrible. and not only on my part, but on theirs too. ive been told not to blame myself for not seeing them for so long. its their fault too. they dont call, they dont text, they dont message me, nothing. but as soon as i say im comming in town for a day, everyone wants to see me. thats the least of my problems, but it hurts. everyone needs a friend to run to.

its been a year since my mother has moved back from puerto rico. she moved back becuz my brother had to go to the hospital and he almost went on cardiac arrest, again. .. well, things havent changed. he searched up this rehab center in pennsylvania called white deer run... it was a really good place. he was there for a month. and though the doctors there told him he wasnt ready yet, that he needed to go to a halfway house, he refused to go, and instead came home. well, big mistake. his sobriety lasted another month, and here we go again. the name calling, the fights, the death scares, the threats, the broken things in the house, the dirty kitchen, the falling down the stairs, the pushing mom, and then the next day, he just doesnt remember. well im tired of this. i ran away with roxy to florida once, n if we had the money, i would do it again. my brother is dead, and hes been dead since the moment he started drinking. unfortunately, im stuck living with his murderer, and the murderer's weapon becuz my mother is too weak and has false hope. well. i cant live like this animore. and if things dont change, i will be gone for good. becuz i have no business with this monster. hes a monster, and im starting to hate every little thing about him. worst of all, sumtimes i wish he would just die already. release himself of this terrible disease he has, and release my mother and i from this pain we deal with every day. im sick and tired of putting up with this. its his choice on getting clean, or keep abusing his body with drugs and alcohol. its also a choice mymother has to make. and that choice is either letting him stay here, or kicking his mother fucker's ass out. well. im sure u all can guess what her choice was, hence why im still pist off. it just feels like a battle we will never win. ever.

work is stupid. ive been waiting for the specialist position that i havent received yet, but have been promised to get over a year ago. my raise was 25 cents. wooptidooo. i had an interview with a company called trak law. its been 3 weeks, and the law firms havent contacted me yet. so i dont know if il get the job. i really hope i do because its a higher pay. and even though working with law firms is the total oppisite of wat i wanna do with my life, its bigger money and a better chance to get my ass out of this mess for good.

my relationship... wow. well. what can i say. its been almost 3 years ive been with this girl, and sumtmes its lovely, n sumtimes its hell. honestly. i believe shes lying to me, and idk how to deal with that. ive never lived with my partner, up until 2 n a half years ago. you reeeaallly get to know sumone after u move in with them. u find great, and not so great qualities. i love her. boy do i love her. but her actions from the past 2 months are making me obsessed with everything she does. if i sit here and talk about all the things that she does that make me believe shes lying to me about sumthing, ul be reading until tomorow. so maybe i will talk about it on another entry. but for now... its just sumthing i really dont want/cant deal with. my partner is supposed to be my best friend, and my lover all at once. the person i go to to comfort me wen i have problems with family, or with friends, or with work, or w.e it is. my back bone, my crutches. shes supposed to be my skin, so everything stays well in place. and right now, i fail in seeing ani of that comming from her. i try to just let it go, and ignore it, and hope that maybe its just a phase... but shes been acting so fucking weird for 2 months, and its driving me crazy. i stay quiet about it, and she knows sumthings wrong with me. shel tell me to be open with her, and wen i am... all hell brakes loose. everything turns to stone, the room gets cold, words start flying out of our mouths w/o any care put behind them. i dont wanna loose her, but i cant deal with all these pressures all at once. i need air that im not getting, and idk where to go to get it. i HATE saying that i feel depressed becuz everyone says they are depressed when they are sad.

but thats the thing, im not just sad, im afraid, im angry, im sad, i feel lonely, i feel used, im always worrying about sumthing, i cant sleep right, im paranoid, im not myself. its taken me months to write anithing about how i feel becuz my passion to write was lost. im not patient with myself, i get irritated quickly, i snap at every little thing. nothing is good enough, i feel completely irrelevant to everyone's life. im constantly tired, and my eating habbits are out of control. im breaking out more than i ever did, in places i never used to... and im always nagging, and achy, and whining. UGH! im just turning into a big ol depression ball. and i hate everything. im really losing control. and i dont know who can really help me. i have a really good friend.. well, my only friend really... shes going thru hard situations as well. and she trys soooooo hard to help me. and she does, for that moment.. but as soon as i get off the fone with her.. im back at square one. its like my mind refuses to accept any words, any kind of help, and i need to control that, becuz i do want to be helped. i want out of this stupid hole already. OUT!

im losing everyone ive ever cared about, and i dont know how to deal with that. i just dont. and i dont want to. i just wanna happy again... like i used to be.